And So It Goes
by iworkwithpens
Summary: Inspired by the Billy Joel song of the same title and a prompt from LilacMermaid over on LiveJournal. What if Mackenzie's problems with relationships and fidelity stem from a tragedy in her past? Can Will help her work through it? Set post season one finale.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Notes: Once again inspired by LilacMermaid's LiveJournal prompts. I have taken up the challenge of "nobody knows this about her, but Mac has been afraid to let anyone get too close ever since the death of her beloved brother." Ok, in my mind, Will knew about her brother…but never really put all the pieces together until recently. Takes place a couple of months after the season one finale. Here we go…**

_And this is why my eyes are closed  
It's just as well for all I've seen  
And so it goes, and so it goes  
And so will you soon, I suppose  
~Billy Joel, And So It Goes_

"Mackieeee" the shrill little cry would wake her at night. Leaving her heart beating as she bolted upright in bed searching for where the sound had come from. It was a cry she hadn't heard in years, but still, it could set her teeth on edge. She looked around her bedroom, sure she would find some clue as to why she was having these dreams again.

Just then her phone rang and she looked over at the screen of her mobile. Of course…how did he do that? She swore they had some sort of telepathic connection. Whenever she woke from one of these nightmares, her phone would ring or her email would signal she had a message and it was always Will. Sometimes it was as if they had never been apart. And she loved it and she hated it at the same time.

"What Will?" she barked into the phone.

"Did you know that they use the same machine to fill up tubes of oil paint that they use to fill toothpaste tubes?" he asked. She couldn't help it, she burst out laughing. When he couldn't sleep Will watched 'How It's Made.'

"No Will, I didn't know that. I'm assuming they clean the machine first?" she asked.

"I didn't mean they literally use the _same exact _machine Mackenzie. I meant they use the same _type_ of machine" he told her with exasperation.

"Well, that makes much more sense then. Might I ask why you are learning about such things at three in the morning Will?"

"Couldn't sleep. And obviously you can't either…it doesn't sound like I woke you."

"Maybe I was otherwise engaged" she told him, drawing out the syllables and implying something far more exciting than another lonely night in her empty apartment.

Deafening silence met her ears. Then the stuttering began.

"Oh God Mac, I'm sorry…I didn't know you were seeing anyone…I'll let you go…" Will stammered.

"Relax Will, I was kidding. I'm alone and yes, I was already awake. Nervous about tonight's interview?" she asked.

"Excited, not nervous. I've never interviewed a sitting President before. I just don't want to turn this into some sort of gang up on the Democrat because I didn't get to moderate the Republican debates fiasco" he almost whispered that last part.

"You won't do that Will. He's the President and you won't do that. Besides, I would never let you…so stop worrying."

"Ok. Why are you awake anyway Mackenzie? You looked about ready to drop when you left the office."

"If I looked so awful and sleep-deprived why are you calling me at zero dark thirty?" she asked, pushing her hair behind her ears and rubbing her eyes.

"I don't know. I always used to wake you up when I couldn't sleep. It's a hard habit to break."

"What did you do when I was in Afghanistan? Call the housekeeper?" she wondered and then took notice of the fact that she hadn't phrased the question in less flattering terms. Such as, what did you do after I cheated on you and broke your heart?

"I played guitar a lot and paced the apartment. The neighbors are probably really glad you're back in the country Mackenzie."

This was dangerous. They were getting perilously close to discussing 'them' these days. She really didn't know what she expected. She had begged him to know what was on that damn message, but now that he was reaching out…making an effort, she was paralyzed with fear.

"Will, I have to get some sleep. I'll see you at work, ok?" she pleaded.

"Yeah, sorry to keep you up. Sleep well, Mac" he whispered and then she heard the click of his phone disconnecting.

She knew she had to be confusing the hell out of him…she was confusing herself these days. What the hell did she want? Fifteen months ago she would have said she wanted Will, but now that he seemed to be edging ever closer to her, she felt like running for the hills.

She shuffled back down into her pillows and stared out the window. Just as she was beginning to fall asleep again she could hear the lines of a children's nursery rhyme begin in her head. "Diddle, Diddle, Dumpling, my son John. Went to bed with his trousers on. One shoe off and one shoe on…diddle, diddle, dumpling , my son John." She wearily sat up in the bed again, cursing and throwing the covers off. Damn, she was never going to get any sleep at this rate.

Morning dawned cold and gray and Mackenzie trudged from the Starbuck's down the street back toward the office. She knew if she had any hope of making it through this day she was going to need massive infusions of caffeine continuously. This was not a broadcast she could screw up. Will would kill her…and she would never forgive herself.

She need not have worried though. Will was brilliant and she rarely even had to speak. She just stood back and admired the way he thoroughly, but respectfully, addressed topics ranging from troop pull outs in Iraq to the economy. It was times like this that she felt superfluous… unnecessary in his life. Maybe it was time to leave again. Wait…where the hell did that thought come from?

She wandered down to the terrace and looked out at New York. It really was beautiful here, especially now…late summer, early fall. It was still breezy and warm, but you could feel the autumn changes settling in. Soon the leaves would be turning…her favorite time of year in this city. She wanted to be here to see it, not off gallivanting around the world in search of the next big story. She wanted to be here with Will to see it.

"I thought you might be out here" his rough voice disturbed her thoughts.

"And I thought you would still be basking in the glow of that interview. You did very well Will" she told him, without turning around.

"What's up Mac? All your staff is in there getting photos on their phones with the President and making plans for drinks and you're out here all alone." He took a seat in one of the wrought iron chairs lined up along the wall and lit a cigarette.

"You're not supposed to smoke in those suits Will. We don't own them, Armani does" she admonished.

"I'll buy it if they're so damned offended and stop changing the subject Mackenzie. You've been avoiding me for days. What's going on?"

"Nothing is going on. I'm tired that's all. I'm not allowed to be tired?" she griped, turning around and fixing him with her stare.

"Of course you are. I'm sorry I called last night. Go home, get some sleep and rest assured that I will not disturb you at any time during the weekend with such useful information as how prosthetic limbs are made" he told her.

"I'll see you on Monday Will" she murmured and walked back into the building.

Sleep did not come any easier for her throughout the weekend, but at least she could nap on the sofa in the middle of the day when her eyelids began to droop. She paced, she puttered, and she generally wandered around her apartment at all hours cursing her insomnia and cursing Will McAvoy for sticking to his word and not calling her.

"Mackieeee" she heard again, just moments after falling into a fitful sleep on Sunday night. Once again, she bolted upright in bed and glanced around the room. This was ridiculous. And then the phone rang.

"Hello Will" she answered, not even bothering to look at the phone's display screen. Who else would be calling her at one in the morning?

"Ok, I know I said I wouldn't call. But Mackenzie, they're telling us how they make chocolate coins! You have to turn the television on!" he practically shouted into her ear. Sometimes, he really was just a fifty-year old child.

But his enthusiasm could be contagious when he got like this…mainly because it only happened around her. And she nearly cried with joy and sorrow at the return of the Will she knew before. The one who would wake her up on Christmas morning by dumping entire bags of chocolate coin candies into their bed. It was the one childhood memory they had in common.

They had grown up in different times and on different continents. While he had childhood memories of alcohol fueled rages and fights, she had memories of her close-knit family traveling the world together. While he fondly remembered The Beach Boys and The Beatles, she looked back on Tears for Fears and The Eurythmics. And when he craved Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, she craved Flake Bars. The one childhood memory they shared was receiving little bags of foil-wrapped chocolate coins every Christmas morning.

It was something they had learned about each other before they even began dating. Her father had visited just before Christmas…a rare treat. And after their lunch together, just before he was heading back to the airport, he had dropped the bag of chocolate coins on her desk. "Merry Christmas, Mackie" he had whispered and then he was gone. Will had walked into her office later that afternoon and his eyes had lit up at the sight of the candies. She shared the entire bag with him.

She shook herself out of her memories and reached for the remote control.

"Ok, Will. I'm turning on the television" she whispered into the phone and searched out The Science Channel. Sure enough, she watched as the delicate rounds of chocolate dropped into their little tin wrappings. It was hypnotic really, the way row after row of chocolate was formed and distributed along the conveyor belts.

"Mac?" he asked quietly.

"Yes?"

"Why are you still awake?"

"It's my turn for insomnia. It will pass Will, don't worry." Please, please Will. I don't want to talk about this. Please, just sit there and watch television with me from the other end of the phone.

"You could talk to Jacob" he offered.

"Who's Jacob?" she asked.

"Dr. Habib."

"I thought Habib's name was Abe?"

"Turns out a lot can happen in the four years you pay your shrink but don't actually go to the appointments. Abe died and passed the practice on to his son, Jacob. The kid looks like he just graduated from college, but he's good Mac. I could make you an appointment. I could make _us_ an appointment?" he suggested…treading carefully.

"Us? Why would _we_ need an appointment Will?"

"We're not talking Mackenzie" he told her.

"Of course we are…we're doing it right now." She knew she was being purposely obtuse. She really did not want to have this conversation right now. It was too late and she was too tired and he was getting too close.

"You're doing it again Mac" he whispered. No, no, no…stop it Will.

"I have to go Will" she said, grasping the phone and staring at the television as those chocolate coins continued to drop onto the conveyor belts.

"No you don't Mackenzie. What are you going to do, go back to staring at the walls? You're not sleeping, so at least use the time wisely. Tell me why suddenly, despite all these months of pushing your way back into my life, why won't you talk to me now?"

Damn, he was good. And he was right. They both knew now that she hadn't rejected him and they both knew that the mutual attraction had never died. But now, she was backing away. When what she wanted was finally within reach, she was pulling away from him.

"Please don't Will" she begged.

"I have to Mackenzie, because by the time the two of us figure this out we'll be receiving Social Security benefits."

She knew he was right, but every time she tried to reach out to him lately she got this horrible lump in her throat that made her feel like she couldn't breathe and she couldn't swallow and she couldn't possibly tell him what she wanted.

She held her breath and waited for what would come next, because he knew her too well and he knew that if he didn't push it now, when she was tired and her defenses were down, he would never get anywhere.

"Please Mackenzie, please talk to me" he pleaded. And he said it with such longing and such sorrow she couldn't have refused if her life depended on it.

"Ok" she whispered, so quietly that she wasn't sure he heard. But then he exhaled sharply and she knew he had.

"Thank you Mac. Thank you" he sighed in relief.

"When?" she asked.

"Tuesday morning at nine o'clock. We can take my usual appointment. If you need me to leave I will."

"Ok. And Will?" she asked hesitantly.

"Yeah?"

"I'm not doing it on purpose. You know that right?" Please, she thought to herself. Please tell me you know that I haven't been stringing you along this whole time, waiting until you wanted me back just so I could break your heart again. Please tell me you know what's wrong with me, because I don't Will…she wanted to beg.

"I know that Kenz. I know" he whispered and then hung up the phone.

She rolled over and wept. Because she was tired and because she was confused and because he had just called her Kenz for the first time in more than five years. And so, for the first time in days, she slept.

**To Be Continued…**


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Notes: Thanks for all the lovely reviews on the first chapter guys. Oh, and also for all the support of my joint stories with teanc09…I do read those reviews as well. Three cheers for the return of my beta, who is on the mend, and best of luck to KatyCat. Phew…now that we got all that sorted out…on we go with chapter two!**

_But if my silence made you leave  
Then that would be my worst mistake  
So I will share this room with you  
And you can have this heart to break  
~Billy Joel, And So It Goes_

As a small child Mackenzie McHale had once refused to speak for an entire month. Given her overly verbose nature this came as something of a shock to her family. The little girl who had once talked through an entire plane flight, lecturing the first class section of British Airways on the importance of democratic elections in the developing world, had suddenly gone silent.

Two weeks into this exercise in solitude, her father sat her down and patiently explained the flaws in her plan.

"Mackenzie, if you don't tell us why you aren't talking then all this protesting is really for nothing dear. We haven't the first clue what you are so upset about" he told her.

Sticking to her guns, the young girl had pulled out a sheet of paper and written "Not Going To England" in crayon.

"Why not Mackie? It's where we live" he had told her patiently. She merely stomped her foot and gave him a rather nasty look.

"You want to stay in New York?" he asked knowingly. She nodded emphatically.

"This has just been a very long business trip love. We do not live here. We live in England and now it's time to go home."

Young Mackenzie's response to this rather appalling turn of events had been to run upstairs to her room and flop dramatically onto her bed. Eventually, she was forced to admit defeat and begin speaking again, if only to voice her displeasure with the way her new room had been arranged.

But still, that month of eerie silence had left an impression on everyone. Her younger brother Jamie had been convinced she would never utter another word again and had promptly burst into tears the first time she spoke. He followed her around like a devoted puppy for the rest of his childhood.

As Mackenzie looked up at the building that housed Jacob Habib's office she had a sudden urge to stage a silent protest again. Maybe if she just sat quietly through this appointment no one would notice her there.

"Mackenzie!" Will shouted at her from the top of the building's front steps. So much for no one noticing her presence. She trudged up the stairs and entered the door Will held open for her.

"It's a psychiatrist's office not the gallows Mac. Try not to look like you're a lamb heading to the slaughter" Will admonished.

"Says the man who skipped four years worth of therapy sessions" she muttered.

They had barely looked at each other all through work on Monday. Not quite sure how to progress from whispered midnight phone conversations about therapy back into professional composure. They knew too much about each other. Knew all the secrets and the hurts hidden beneath the surface.

When they had first started working together again, after all that time apart, it was easy to forget the intricacies of their past life as a couple. They were trying so damn hard not to kill each other that anything else was overlooked in a haze of fear and anger. Now that they were getting closer it was harder to pretend that they didn't have a tapestry of shared memories woven between the two of them.

She took a seat next to him in the waiting room and studied him out of the corner of her eye. He seemed relaxed and calm. Either that or he was doing one hell of an acting job. But wait, what was that? She noticed the impatient tapping of his right foot and the way he was taking deep, even breaths and staring straight ahead. He was just as nervous as she was! She jumped when the door opened. Ok, maybe she was the one who was a bit more anxious.

"Well, this has to be Mackenzie" the man announced, as if he had been waiting for months to meet her. Now that she thought about it, he probably had. He was not what she had been expecting. Abe Habib had been a small, thin man with a neatly trimmed beard and wire-rimmed glasses. He always wore a suit and tie. At least that was what Will had described. This man looked like he should be teaching Psyc 101 at a community college.

"Yes, I suppose I _do_ have to be Mackenzie" she replied shortly. Will gave her a knowing look…the one that said just give it a fucking chance before you turn your nose up at it Mac. She pushed herself out of her chair and practically stomped into the office. Will just smirked at her.

"I have to say I wasn't expecting company today Will. What brought this about?" the doctor asked.

"She won't talk to me" Will said, taking a seat near Mackenzie.

"We talk every day Will. We're talking right now. Why the fuck do we also have to talk at three in the morning?" she ground out through clenched teeth.

"Excuse me? You were the one that called _me_ at three in the morning two weeks ago. I believe it was something to do with office politics and how it would be career suicide for me to turn down Leona Lansing's dinner invitation? Don't play innocent here Mackenzie. We regularly call each other at all hours, only now you won't talk. So we sit there and watch the same television show from across town and pretend that it isn't the most ludicrous situation imaginable!" he shouted.

"Wait. Let me get this straight. You two former lovers still work together for nearly three-quarters of the day and then when you go home and can't sleep you both sit there on the phone and watch television together?"

"Yes" they both answered in unison.

"What's wrong with that?" Mac asked.

"It's very relaxing. I thought you told me I needed to find a way to deal with stress Jack? What's wrong with watching television with a friend when I can't sleep?" Will asked.

"Because you're _not_ watching television with a friend Will. The two of you have silently agreed to avoid discussing anything that might upset this delicate balance you _think_ you've established. You're substituting your old relationship with Mackenzie with this new oddly co-dependent version of it" Habib responded.

"I don't smoke weed with her. I watch television! Why are we talking about it as if I've developed some sort of habit that I need to go to a twelve-step program for?" Will shouted.

"Never got to one of those Al-Anon meetings did you Will?" the psychiatrist asked.

"No. I already come here. What the hell do I need a support group for?"

"You don't. You already created one for yourself" the doctor told him, smirking slightly.

"What?" Will and Mackenzie said together. Both of them more than a little confused.

"Al-Anon meetings are all about discussing the things you can't discuss with a therapist. Your daily struggles dealing with a fucked up family and trying to live a _normal _ life with _normal _ people who don't understand what it is to be responsible for holding that family together."

"And?" Will asked sarcastically.

"And the two of you already do that for each other. If you could just stop pretending that isn't what you're doing while you sit there and watch television together over the phone" he told them.

"We're not pretending anything" Mackenzie said sullenly.

"No, _you're_ just avoiding talking about anything that has to do with the two of _us_ Mackenzie!" Will shouted.

"I am not! What the hell do you want to talk about at three in the morning Will? That fake fucking engagement ring in your desk!" she shouted back before she could stop herself. Her pulse was pounding and her ears were ringing. Their shouting matches always were dangerous…too many barbed comments got thrown around once they started.

"What?" he asked, stunned.

"Oh please, like you didn't know I would figure it out. You shocked the hell out of me at first, I'll admit it. But then I thought about it Will. You won't even leave your wallet in your office but you were going to leave a nearly five year old engagement ring that has to be worth at least twenty-five thousand dollars in there? I don't think so."

Will looked into the amused face of Jacob Habib and had the distinct urge to smack that know-it-all grin off him. The three adults stared each other down. They all knew things were escalating and the one person in the room with a psych degree and the ability to negotiate rough emotional waters was sitting back and watching this whole thing unfold like it was a mildly entertaining theatrical production.

"Fine. It was a joke...a bad joke. I was going to return it" Will told them both. "And it was fifty –thousand dollars for your information."

"Fuck you Will" Mackenzie whispered under her breath, and the tension in the room ratcheted up another notch. She knew she was goading him now, but for some reason she didn't really care.

"No, fuck you Mac. You've cheated on me, abandoned me, pushed your way back into my life and demanded my attention and _now_ you decide you don't want me? Make up your fucking mind Mackenzie. Because this back and forth shit is getting really old!" His anger exploded out of him before he could rein it back in. He dropped his head into his hands, exasperated.

"Then leave!" she shouted before she could stop herself. "Leave, because everyone else does and I know you will too Jamie!" she screamed and fell back in her chair.

"What?" Will asked, snapping his head up at her comment.

"I'm sorry…I didn't mean it" Mackenzie pleaded with him and clamped her hand over her mouth as if that could take the words back.

"Who is Jamie, Mackenzie?" Dr. Habib asked quietly.

"What? What are you talking about?" she asked defensively, completely unaware of her slip of the tongue.

"You called Will Jamie. Who is Jamie?" the doctor pressed.

"I did not call him that. I know who he is!" Mac barked at the man.

"You did Mackenzie. You just called me Jamie. What does any of this have to do with your brother?" Will asked quietly but firmly. His anger vanished, but was quickly replaced with a sickening dread as he watched her curl in on herself.

"Nothing. My brother has nothing to do with you and me Will. Leave it alone" she pleaded, rocking back and forth slightly.

"I can't Mac. Not if it has something to do with the two of us. I'm not giving up without a fight this time Mackenzie. I did that last time and I was wrong. I won't make the same mistake again" Will said certainly.

"Do you have a difficult relationship with your brother Mackenzie?" Dr. Habib asked.

"I don't _have_ a relationship with my brother _doctor_" Mackenzie seethed.

"Why not?"

Mackenzie remained stubbornly quiet, harkening back to that infamous silent protest of her childhood. Her rocking had slowed, but her arms remained crossed over her chest with her head turned firmly away from the two men.

"Jamie died just after Mackenzie finished college. I never met him" Will supplied for her.

"We are _not_ discussing my brother. He has nothing to do with us!" Mackenzie shouted, whipping her head around toward him.

"Then why did you bring him up?!" Will shouted back just as loud.

"I didn't…you did!" They stared at each other, both fuming, and dared the other to back down.

Jacob Habib struggled to hold back a chuckle. Watching the two people before him fight was like watching a tennis match. They tossed taunts back and forth at each other as if they couldn't help themselves…it was like some sort of knee-jerk reaction.

"Are we entertaining you?" Mackenzie asked sarcastically.

"Actually yes" the doctor replied.

"Can I have my two hundred dollars back then?" Will asked.

"No."

"Fine. Then tell us why she won't talk to me and what the hell any of this has to do with a man I've never even met?" Will asked.

"How did your brother die Mackenzie?" the doctor asked. Again, Mackenzie stubbornly clamped her mouth shut.

"Oh for God's sake, Mac! Most of the time I can't get you to shut up and _now_ you go silent on me?" Will replied, frustration leaking into his tone.

"What happened to him Mackenzie?" the doctor pressed.

"A motorcycle accident" Will explained, fearing they would be sitting here all day if he didn't.

"But you said he left you Mackenzie? Why did you say that?" Jacob asked. "You said _everyone_ leaves Mackenzie. Has everyone you ever loved left you?" he asked cautiously.

She looked away from the two men in the room and watched a dove perched on a tree branch outside the window.

"Where is the other one?" she asked quietly.

"What other one Mackenzie?" Jacob asked.

"The other dove. They mate for life. Did you know that? If you see one…the other is likely nearby. They won't survive long without each other" she whispered.

"But you survived it, didn't you?" he asked her.

"What?"

"You survived losing Will. You're still here…you both are. And Will survived losing what should have been a safe and loving home as a child. And you survived losing your brother. The two of you are very strong. Things that would have crippled other people made you both self-reliant and successful in your careers. Now, relationships are another matter entirely. You survived these things by cutting yourselves off from other people so you wouldn't be vulnerable."

"I have a lot of relationships" Mackenzie said stubbornly.

"Friends, colleagues, acquaintances. I'd be willing to bet that the only serious relationship you ever had was with Will. And when you realized just how much you depended on him, it terrified you. That's a big part of the reason you cheated on him. To prove that Brian didn't reject you and that you didn't need Will" the doctor rationalized.

Will blew out a deep breath and ran his hands through his hair roughly.

"And you" Jacob Habib announced, turning his attention on Will. "You shut her out the minute she betrayed you and you haven't been able to let her back in since."

"I have too!" Will shouted. "I'm the one calling her at three in the morning!"

"To watch television together from across town. To talk about work. To laugh at some article in the Times. But you're not letting me back in either Will, so don't get all high and mighty on me now!" Mackenzie interjected.

"Fine" he huffed.

"Fine" she retorted.

"Mackenzie, why did you say Jamie left?" Habib tried again.

"I don't know…figure of speech?" she shot out.

"It isn't a figure of speech Mackenzie. Kicked the bucket, pushing up daisies, bought the farm…those are euphemisms for death. Why did you say he _left_?"

"Because he did!" she shouted. "He was angry with me for taking the job with CNN and not the BBC and he got on the damn bike after he'd had way too much to drink and took off. He left!" she shouted.

"And your family? What did they do after Jamie died?"

"They left too!" she shouted, jumping up from her chair and beginning to pace the room. "Just like they always do. My father took a post in India and my mother followed. I had a week to get my things together after the funeral before they shut up the house and were off."

"But they didn't _leave_ Mackenzie" Will replied, getting up and standing behind her at the window. "Your father had a new job and you did too…in New York. Everyone went where they needed to go."

"I left him first" she whispered brokenly.

"What?" Will asked, more than a little stunned.

"I left him first. He wasn't ready for me to go yet. I should have stayed in England for just a little while longer…taken the job at the BBC. He needed me Will, and I was getting ready to leave _him_" she said brokenly as she began to weep.

"You didn't Mac. You didn't leave him. You were practically a mother to him your entire life while you all traipsed across the world. You were his sister and his best friend. You were wonderful to him sweetheart, but it was time for you to become your own person and take the job you wanted not the one that would have kept you close to Jamie" he whispered to her.

Jacob Habib watched as his patient became the doctor. He looked on proudly and then backed out of the room quietly. These two could work things out on their own now.

"I'm so sorry" she said through her tears. "I'm so sorry for everything Will."

"I know you are. Jamie knows too and we both forgive you" Will cooed to her as he rocked her back and forth in his arms.

**To Be Continued…**


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Notes: We come to the end of another story folks. Thanks for the reviews. Oh, and happy belated Valentine's Day. It's true…cupid is freakish…but chocolate is not. I'm all for any holiday where chocolate is the preferred method of communication! So, sit back, eat some chocolate and enjoy the fanfic! By the way…still don't own The Newsroom.**

_In every heart there is a room  
A sanctuary safe and strong  
To heal the wounds from lovers past  
Until a new one comes along  
~Billy Joel, And So It Goes_

"Mackieeee! Look at them! What are they?" the young boy squealed in delight, poking the oddly translucent figures with a stick.

"Jamie, no!" his protective older sister shouted, trouncing into the water and yanking his chubby, toddler arm toward her. Just then the jellyfish swished toward her leg and clamped on.

She yelped out in pain and swatted at the creature, pulling her younger brother with her further up the shore.

Mackenzie remembered how several of the other ambassador's wives quickly rushed her to the first aid area of the beach. The lifeguards had dabbed soothing solutions of vinegar and aloe vera onto the stings, and much as she longed to cry out or cling on to one of the adults, she never shed a tear. Jamie was terrified enough as it was. He didn't need to see his sister collapse in a fit of whimpers and moans.

"I'm fine Jamie…just a bit of a sting. I'll bet Mummy will let us get ice cream now" she whispered to him. He placed his damp, sand-covered hand in hers and smiled.

Later that afternoon, ice creams quickly melting in the sun, the two siblings walked hand in hand near the pool of the oceanfront hotel that was hosting a conference on international debt repayment. The beach was now off limits as far as the young girl was concerned.

"Did it hurt a whole lot Mackie?" the young boy asked, eyes shining with admiration for his older sister's bravery.

"No Jamie. It really wasn't that bad" she lied. He squeezed her hand in his but then took off running toward the nearby playground.

"Mackie…come and get me. Mackieeee!"

Mackenzie startled awake. At least this time she remembered more than just his shouts of her name. She got to see him and hold him. She smiled with relief and rolled onto her side.

"Where were you this time?" Will's quiet voice asked, pressing for details in those first few hazy minutes of consciousness before her defenses could return. Mackenzie froze in shock for just a moment. Even now, months later, she was still sometimes surprised to wake up next to him again…after all they had been through.

"I think we were on the beach at Hilton Head. It was nice. I swear I could feel his hand in mine. And then I got stung by a jelly fish" she told him, in that groggy, sleepy voice he loved.

"So, finally, I get to know what started this deep-seated fear of the ocean and its menacing creatures. Tell me of your travails my dear" Will whispered as she burrowed into his side.

"I couldn't let him know I was afraid. My parents barely made it outside the hotel conference rooms or banquet dinners the whole week. I think Jamie thought they were never coming back. For the first two days he wouldn't let go of my hand." She shook the memory from her head and began biting her nails…a sure sign she was done speaking of her brother. Will had learned in these past few months not to push any further. He was lucky if he got these quick snippets of her dreams out of her before she changed the subject.

"Would you protect me too Mac?" he asked, trying to make her smile once more.

"Of course. Who do you think deletes half of Reese Lansing's memos from your computer before you get to see them?" she asked, silently grateful that Will understood. She was trying, she really was. But Jamie was still a touchy subject.

"What?!"

"Hey, you should see some of the crap he sends you. You'd likely have killed the man by now. I'm just trying to save you from a murder trial."

"My hero" he mocked. She punched him playfully in his side and then squinted at the neon glow of the television.

"How long have you been awake?" she asked.

"Three episodes of 'How It's Made.' We're onto fortune cookies now. It's really quite interesting Mac."

"I'm sure. Is that what inspired this mountain of fortune cookie detritus currently piling up on our bed?" she asked, looking down at the small mound of fortunes lying amidst a spreading mass of crumbs.

"Hey, I'll have you know that somewhere in the world 'good things are being said about me.' At least that's what the last fortune said" he told her, reaching over toward his nightstand to grab another cookie.

"How the hell did we end up with so many fortune cookies Will?"

"You can't cook and we both work until nearly midnight. We eat a lot of Chinese take-out Mac. Apparently, we forget to eat the cookies most of the time. There was a fucking drawer full of them out there" he told her, pointing vaguely toward the kitchen.

"And you decided to go on a fortune cookie binge at three in the morning?"

"My better half was sleeping so soundly that I didn't think a nuclear blast would wake her. There isn't a lot to do at three in the morning Mackenzie."

Nodding her agreement, she reached across him and pulled one of the cookies off the bedside table. She cracked it open and pulled out the small piece of paper.

"A cynic is only a frustrated optimist" she extolled seriously. "I think I got your fortune Will" she laughed as she popped the cookie into her mouth.

He frowned at her and cracked open another cookie. "He who laughs last is laughing at you" he read aloud, giving her a playful glare.

"I wasn't laughing _at_ you I was laughing _with_ you" she told him.

"I wasn't laughing Mac."

"Oh shut up and give me another cookie" she told him. He began to snap the cookie open, but she stopped him.

"If you open it then the fortune belongs to you" she admonished, but the cookie had already cracked and deposited its fortune in his lap.

"Sometimes what you're looking for is exactly where you left it" he read and looked down at her. "I definitely think this one was meant for me Kenz" he told her meaningfully. After all, they were right back where they started…right where they were meant to be. Curled up together in bed.

Now when they couldn't sleep there were no three a.m. phone calls to an apartment across town, there was just the two of them watching television or making love or waiting for The New York Times to arrive so they could fill out the crossword puzzle. It was infinitely better than falling asleep clinging to your cell phone and memories of what used to be.

"Kenz?" he asked quietly.

"Yeah?"

"Is he helping?"

"Is _who_ helping Will?" she asked, confused.

"Habib. Is talking to him helping?"

Will nervously waited for an answer. He didn't mean to pressure her, but sometimes he almost felt jealous that there was still one part of her that he didn't know. One piece of the puzzle that was Mackenzie McHale that he couldn't figure out because she wouldn't, or couldn't, let him. He watched her blow out a frustrated breath and try to find a way to voice her fears.

She still struggled to talk about Jamie...even with Will. Somehow talking about her beloved brother lessened him in her mind. She couldn't make someone who had never known him understand what he was like and what her relationship with him had been. Their bond had been forged out of millions of miles traveled together…trying to figure out their place in the world. Trying to understand why every few months or years their entire existence changed as they moved from place to place. Their only certainty had been each other.

"I don't know Will. I think it is but I still can't stop this ache I get every so often when I see a man on the street who, for just a moment, looks like Jamie to me. And every so often, I get the strongest urge to tell you some story about him or share some memory that popped into my head, but then the lump in my throat gets so big that I can't say a word."

He nodded and kissed her forehead. He knew that, so many times, she had started to tell him something. Started to giggle at some little childhood recollection and would turn to him as if she would burst if she didn't share it, and then the light in her eyes would go out as the words got stuck somewhere between her heart and her mouth. He would simply clasp her hand and pull her just a bit closer and murmur "someday…someday you'll be able to tell me Mac."

But as the months passed and she and Will slogged through session after session with Dr. Habib, Mackenzie worried that 'someday' may never come. They had already worked through so much. Her fear of commitment and her guilt over cheating. And Will's childhood traumas and his fear of betrayal. They had put so much behind them and managed to find their way back to each other again, and yet the one thing she couldn't do was talk about Jamie without bursting into tears or shutting down.

Her dreams of him were no longer nightmares, and for that small blessing she was grateful. After that first session with Jacob, she and Will had promptly returned to her apartment and made love and fallen into the deepest sleep either could remember for months…maybe years. And that very first night, she was finally able to sleep through Jamie's shouts and cries. Only then did she realize that she hadn't been having nightmares at all. Quite the contrary in fact.

If only she could sleep through his first few pleading whispers of her name, she would soon recognize that she was dreaming of summer vacations and visits to the park. Jamie wasn't crying for her in these dreams… he was shouting out to her in glee. And from that night on, she relished her nocturnal visits with her late brother. It was no longer terror-inducing, it was playful and joyful and soothing.

And yet, during the day, she still couldn't bring herself to let Jamie into their lives. Could barely manage to say his name to anyone but Habib or Will and even that was a struggle. She was beginning to fear she would never be able to deal with memories of her brother in a healthy way.

That fear only doubled when, six months later, she discovered she was pregnant. Will was thrilled. She was terrified. Would she ever be able to speak of her amazingly talented, funny, mischievous brother with her child? Would every memory of him die with her?

But then that first moment she saw her son she was amazed to discover the lump had disappeared from her throat. She finally had a family again…her own family. She looked at Will and at her son and felt, at last, like she knew where she belonged in this world. She knew with certainty she could never leave these two and somehow she was finally able to believe Will was not going anywhere either. Her deep-seated fears of abandonment began to lift.

Mackenzie laughed and cried at the same time as she finally recovered the ability to speak of her brother. The nurse placed the preternaturally quiet newborn on her chest and she could have sworn it was Jamie looking back at her. With the exception of Will's blue eyes, young James William McAvoy was the spitting image of her baby brother.

"Do you think you might let me hold my son for a while Mac?" Will asked later that evening as he watched, more than a little jealous, at the bond mother and son were already forming. But this time it was a good feeling. A jealousy he would happily put up with for the rest of his life.

"Did you know that I used to sneak into Jamie's nursery every night and sleep on the floor next to his crib?" she asked Will, still gazing with wonder at her son.

"No Mac, I didn't know that" he responded, hope blooming in his chest that maybe his young son had finally healed the broken heart of the woman he held most dear. It was rare that Mackenzie ever broached the subject of Jamie without prompting. "Tell me more" he practically begged.

"No one figured it out for months. Until one night I heard him choking and I ran to my parent's room and dragged them in to help him. They could hardly be cross with me after that. By the time he was two he would toddle down the hall to my room to sleep with me."

Will watched in awe as story after story spilled from her lips about the amazing young man he had never had the chance to meet. Just when he thought she would drop from exhaustion she asked him to bring her overnight bag to her. She reached into the bag she had packed weeks ago and pulled out a worn blue and white knit blanket he had never seen. He watched as she discarded the hospital baby blanket and wrapped James up in the one from the bag. He could barely hear her whispered words to their son.

"This was your Uncle Jamie's blanket, but now it's yours. You have your own name James. Your grandfather and your uncle were named John. We called your uncle Jamie so it wouldn't be confusing at the dinner table, but his name was John and so his favorite nursery rhyme was one that had his name in it. I had to sing it to him every night before he would go to sleep. No one else could sing it properly James…only me" she said softly, tracing the fine wisps of hair on her son's head. "Would you like me to sing it for you?" she asked the infant.

Any other time Will would have winced at the thought of Mackenzie singing. It really wasn't very good, but as the first words of the nursery rhyme fell from her lips he thought it was the most beautiful sound in the world.

"Diddle, diddle dumpling my son John. Went to bed with his trousers on. One shoe off and one shoe one. Diddle, diddle dumpling my son John."

**The End.**


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